Only for ourselves

How many things are there that we do each day that are truly only for ourselves? I started thinking about that today while I practiced for the first time in nearly three months. For the most part of the last four years I've been singing, I practiced everyday and so this was a rather long break to be taking. And with this question floating in my head I ended up not getting much practicing in anyway. Oh well.

During the semester I blamed this disinterest to my schedule, which, between class, student teaching, homework eating and sleeping, left little room for anything else. But as I sat down and practice today, I realized that this was not entirely the truth.

In truth, I stopped because I realized that I would likely never get far with Indian classical music.

I cannot take credit (or blame, depending on how you look at it) for this realization. My teacher told me bluntly that since I had started at the ripe old age of 17, I didn't have as much control over my voice as I needed to be able to sing the complex notes characteristic of Carnatic music. And then a few months ago, I listened to a recording of me singing Bhavayami gopalabalam in our Annual Day concert which really killed any disillusionment I had of my own ability. God, I sounded awful.

But today, alone in my room, it came to me that it didn't particularly matter if I was good or not. The fact of the matter is, I will not, could not and do not want to become a professional Carnatic vocalist. As lovely as the music is, I sing because it makes me happy. My teacher was perhaps misguided in telling me I would never amount to much in the realm of Carnatic vocalists but I was wrong to take her words to heart. Because, in the end, it was about making me me happy, not singing for an audience.

For those of you who may be interested, here is a performance by a disciple of M.S. Subhlakshmi's daughter. Enjoy!